Information for Families

When the time comes to make funeral arrangements, most people are in a highly emotional state and may not be thinking as clearly as they would under normal circumstances. Families often don’t realize the choices they have in planning a funeral, visitation or wake, or the type of memorial service that best honors their loved one.

The following information is provided to address some of these questions. You may also want to consult with a local, independently owned Golden Rule funeral home when you have concerns or need specific information. Click to find the Golden Rule funeral home nearest you.

Practices for honoring deceased loved ones often are based on religious rituals. The funeral director will be familiar with the rites of all denominations and traditions. Fraternal services and military services also dictate funeral rituals.

Religious Rituals

• Protestant Services
  There are many Protestant denominations, each having specific rites. Usually, Protestant rites are simple and straightforward, without the ritual and symbolism of Catholic services, for example. The clergy of certain Protestant denominations ask that the casket be closed before the service begins. Other Protestant groups have no objection to an open casket during services.

• Catholic Services
  When calling to pay their respects, Catholic visitors will often kneel before the casket in prayer. It is not expected that non-Catholics do likewise. When Catholics kneel during the service, non-Catholics should remain seated, but should rise when the congregation rises. In the event a Rosary Service is held the evening before the funeral, the hours will be posted in the newspaper. Non-Catholics may attend Rosary Services, but this is not ordinarily done. Floral offerings should be sent in time to allow the funeral director to arrange them before the Rosary Service is held, usually early in the evening. Catholic funeral services are always held in the church and during the forenoon. Non-Catholics should feel free to attend the funeral Mass.

• Jewish Services
  Conservative and Orthodox Jewish services provide that the casket be closed before the service begins, although the privilege of viewing the body before the service may be granted. Flowers traditionally are omitted in lieu of charitable memorial contributions. Apparel, casket and other appointments are simple and lack ornamentation. The rites of the Reformed Jewish service can include elements of the Conservative and Orthodox traditions or more simplified. Hebrew is used in portions of the services in varying degrees.

Fraternal Services
Persons who have been active in fraternal organizations may have expressed a desire that the organization take part in the funeral service. The rites of many such organizations are beautiful, impressive and inspiringly religious.

Military Services
Any man or woman who has been honorably discharged from the military service of the United States is entitled to a military funeral, including a grave in a national cemetery, if desired. It should be noted, however, that there are certain restrictions regarding burial in national cemeteries. Ask your funeral director for counsel before you make this decision.

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The time following the loss of a loved one can be very confusing. The following information can be of help for the family of the deceased, as well as for friends and relatives.

Funeral Etiquette for the Family of the Deceased

Notifying Family and Close Friends
When someone dies, the immediate family should be notified first, either in person or by telephone. Next, the family’s closest relatives and friends should be contacted by telephone, whether they live locally or in another city.

It is important to give people the name of the funeral director and funeral home address so that flowers will be sent to the proper location. The time of the service, however, cannot be determined until after the funeral director and clergy have consulted.

Dress
Dress norms have changed dramatically over the years. Today, it is no longer necessary for even the closest family members to wear black to a funeral. It is appropriate, however, to dress conservatively, such as a simple dress, suit and tie, or shirt/blouse and slacks/skirt.

Records to Keep
In many communities, friends and neighbors follow the friendly practice of bringing or sending gifts of food to the family. Assigning someone to keep a record of these gifts will help when acknowledging them later. Be sure to mark each container promptly with the name and address of the owner. A record should also be kept of all services rendered for the same reasons.

Calling or Visitation Hours
It is customary to give relatives, friends, neighbors and co-workers an opportunity to call at the funeral home, prior to the services, to pay their respects. The hours designated for this purpose are known as “calling or visitation hours.” A member of the family is usually present at these times.

Each family should determine the number of family members needed during calling hours. Receiving the sympathy of friends hour after hour is consoling and helpful to some; to others, it is an almost intolerable, soul-shattering experience.

It is not necessary for family members to have long conversations with visitors. A simple, “Thank you, Joan: it means so much to have friends like you at this time,” is all the reply that is required.

If the casket is open during calling hours, as is customary in many regions, callers may wish to approach the casket and say a final farewell. It is not necessary for a family member to accompany the caller.

Prior to the Funeral Service
The funeral director is in the best position to advise when the family should arrive at the funeral home or church before the start of the service. It is not unusual for the funeral director to send a car for the family; but there is no reason the family should not provide its own transportation if they prefer.

If the service is to be conducted in a funeral establishment, the family will be taken directly from the car to the family room. Here, the family can have a degree of privacy, time to compose themselves, talk briefly with their spiritual counselor, and settle any last-minute details with the funeral director in charge.

During the Service
Today’s funeral services are usually brief, lasting not much more than 20 to 30 minutes. The relative brevity of the service places less emotional strain upon the family, compared with the lengthy services so common several decades ago. Should a family member faint or become highly emotional, the funeral director should be called promptly to handle the situation.

At the Cemetery
The graveside service is normally brief. Once the commitment ritual has been completed and the casket lowered to ground level, it is customary for the family to leave the grave site. After the family has departed, the casket is placed in a vault or other outside receptacle, interred, and the flowers placed on the grave.

After the Service
For several days after the funeral service, the family is entitled to rest and time to attend to the innumerable details that require their attention. Some families will appreciate having friends telephone or stop by to visit. Others will prefer complete rest and quiet. Families in this second category are entitled to a consideration. Phone calls may be terminated after a minute or so with a hasty, “Oh, there’s the doorbell again. I must run! Thanks so much for calling.”

Thank You Notes
Your funeral director will provide you with formal, generalized thank you cards, which are worded to acknowledge almost any type of floral offering, gift or personal service. The family may choose to use these cards or to send personal notes of thanks.

Whichever type is sent, the notes should be brief, sincere, personal and specific.

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Etiquette for Friends and Distant Relatives

Upon Receiving the News
If you learn that a friend or relative has died, the first thing to do is extend your sympathy and offer assistance in whatever way you can. If you live a distance from where the death occurred, tell the family if you will be attending the service and approximately when you expect to arrive.

If you cannot provide this information at that time, tell the family you will call back as soon as you have reached a decision. Keep the conversation reasonably brief, remembering that the family will likely have numerous similar calls to make and that long telephone conversations are undesirable given their emotional state.

If you learn of the death through the local newspaper or (as is customary in some small communities) a local broadcast, call the family immediately, briefly express your sympathy and offer your services, and end the conversation.

Flowers
Sending a floral tribute is a an accepted custom in many traditions, unless the family has requested that memorial gifts be sent in lieu of flowers. Unless the notice in the newspaper state that flowers are to be omitted, friends and relatives may consider it obligatory to send flowers. Catholics have an option of sending flowers of a Spiritual Bouquet, indicating that a Mass or series of Masses will be said in memory of the deceased.

When ordering flowers, ask the florist to write the formal form of the donor’s name and complete address on the accompanying card. This thoughtful gesture will make it unnecessary for the bereaved family to look up each address when sending acknowledgment cards or notes.

Memorial Gifts
When sending memorial gifts be certain to mention that the gift is being made in memory of the deceased. The organization receiving the gift will normally send a list of donors to the family so the family can express its thanks and acknowledge the donation.

Dress
When calling at the family residence or funeral establishment to pay respects, good taste should dictate attire. Highly casual attire should be avoided, even where very informal dress is usually the rule.

Calling on the Family
Upon hearing of a death, only very close friends of the deceased and the immediately family are expected to visit the family residence prior to the service. For all others, it is appropriate to telephone the residence to express sympathy. When calling the residence, speak to whomever answers the phone. Don’t insist on talking to the family of the deceased. Remember to keep your call short, as the family will need the telephone to make arrangements.

There are countless ways friends can be help when someone dies, such as preparing and serving food, babysitting, loaning cars or running an errand. Whatever you can do to be of service will be greatly appreciated.

Remember that conditions in the bereaved household may be somewhat chaotic. Therefore, simple, easy-to-serve food is most appropriate. Fried chicken, baked ham, potato salad and covered dishes will be welcome, as will pies and cakes. Don’t call the family to ask if food is needed. Just prepare it and take it to the residence.

When Paying Respects
It is customary for friends to call at the funeral home prior to the day of the funeral service. A “friend” could include co-workers and some of the deceased’s superiors. If an employee loses a very close relative, such as a husband, wife, father or mother, the immediate superior should call at the funeral home.

The obituary notice in the newspaper ordinarily includes a line to the effect: “Friends may call at the Blank Funeral Home, Wednesday, between 2 and 4 p.m. and 7 and 9 p.m.” This information could be interpreted as meaning that one or more members of the family will be present during these hours. If you prefer not to express your sympathy personally, or if it is difficult or impossible to call during the specified hours, you may simply sign the register book in token of your visit.

The registry should be signed by all who call, either to pay their respects or to attend the services. Your degree of closeness to the family will determine whether you will sign the registry formally as “Mr. and Mrs. Harold F. Smith” or informally as “Marjorie and Harold Smith.”

Attending the Service
It is a good idea to arrive at the funeral home at least 10 minutes before the service is scheduled to begin. Services usually start precisely at the time specified, and it is considered rude to enter the service room or chapel after the service has begun. If you arrive early, do not try to meet or speak with bereaved family members. Conversation in the chapel, prior to the service, is permissible, but should be conducted in a very low voice. A friend can be greeted with a nod and a smile, but refrain from conducting animated conversations, even with a friend you haven’t seen for a long time. A funeral service, regardless of where it is held, is a time to conduct oneself with decorum and a show respect for the grieving family.

Casket
It is a common custom for friends to go up to the casket for a final farewell before or after the service. It is not obligatory that this be done, however; and you show no lack of respect or affection by refraining.

Graveside Service
Attending the graveside services after the funeral is a choice for each person to determine. The deciding factor will be the closeness of the relationship between the individual and the bereaved family.

Funeral Procession
The trend today is toward shorter funeral processions. In larger cities, particularly, traffic congestion can make it difficult to move a long procession through the streets without interruptions and confusion. The funeral director or assistant will give brief instructions and an identification device to the drivers of all cars in the procession. The use of auto headlights is a commonplace method of identification.

Cemetery
As soon as you have parked your car in the cemetery, move as quickly as possible to the graveside. Do not attempt to engage the immediate family in conversation either before or immediately after the graveside service. It is courteous to follow, rather than precede, the family when returning to your car.

After the Funeral
The bereaved family will need a few days following the service to take care of the many details that are inevitable and time to compose themselves. Before visiting, a good rule of thumb is to wait until you have received an acknowledgment card or thank you note.

You will find the bereaved will draw strength and comfort from your support. No contribution is more worthwhile than that.

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After the loss of a loved one, friends and relatives will want to respond by expressing their sympathy. Flowers, condolence cards, meals and other acts of kindness are all ways of letting the bereaved know that their grief is shared and understood.

The etiquette of acknowledgement is a very personal and individual matter. In most cases a few sincere words from the bereaved are all that is necessary to express your gratitude and to convey that personal me-to-you feeling. Remember to write honestly and from the heart.

Two types of written acknowledgments are commonly used: a sympathy acknowledgment card with a standard verse appropriate for the situation; and a simple note card of your choosing. Blank on the inside, these informal cards allow you to write a special message for each recipient. Below are examples in which an acknowledgement would be appropriate.

To Clergy
It is appropriate to send a short, personal note to clergy to thank them for their spiritual consolation and assistance. Honorariums and other offerings being sent to a church or memorial fund will require a separate acknowledgment.

To Close Friends, Relatives & Neighbors
It is not always necessary to send formal acknowledgments to your close friends, relatives and neighbors. People who have sent flowers or food or who have helped you or family members in some special way, however, would appreciate a short note of thanks. It can be written on your engraved acknowledgments or on informal note cards.

To Pallbearers
A note written on the inside of your engraved acknowledgments or informal note cards should be sent to each pallbearer in appreciation for his/her time and effort.

Calls from Friends
In most cases, a family member will have met friends at the visitation or will have personally answered calls. In such cases, a written acknowledgment is not necessary. If you have callers (either by telephone or in person) who have not been spoken to, a note of appreciation can be sent.

Cars and Services
You can thank friends and neighbors who have volunteered their cars, cooking or other services by sending them a brief note that mentions their courtesy and your gratefulness.

Condolence Cards
It is appropriate to send an acknowledgment in response to a condolence greeting card. A brief note should be written on your acknowledgment if a personal note was included on the card.

Flowers
Traditionally, friends and relatives will send flowers at the time of death as a way of expressing their sympathy. All floral tributes should be carefully recorded as they are received.

You also may receive flowers from a specific group or groups of people. In such cases, you can send a card to the leader, making reference to others in the group. If individuals are mentioned on the floral card, you can send an acknowledgment to each person in the group.

Telegrams
An acknowledgment with a few words written on the inside is a sufficient response for any telegrams you might receive.

Memorial Donation
A card should be sent to people who make a contribution to a charitable or philanthropic organization in the memory of the deceased.

Letters of Condolence
A personal letter of condolence deserves a personal reply. A brief thank you can be written on your acknowledgments or informal note cards.

Mass or Spiritual Bouquets
When a Mass or other memorial is offered, it is proper to write a brief note on the inside of the acknowledgment or note card.

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You have choices when it comes to planning a funeral or memorial service. The total cost of a funeral depends on the choices made, which should be made freely with a wide range of options. The costs fall into three basic categories:

1. Use of the funeral home facilities and equipment
2. Personal and professional services of the funeral home staff
3. Merchandise selected

The assistance given by the funeral director should never be influenced by the amount you decide to spend. Every family is entitled to unlimited assistance, regardless of the choices they make.

Embalming
Contrary to popular belief, no state or province in the U.S. or Canada requires embalming by law. It may be required, however, if a public health hazard is present or if remains are to be transported across a considerable distance. But it is not required in most cases when burial or cremation is performed in the same vicinity.

Most people prefer embalming for two basic reasons. First, embalming makes it possible to delay disposition long enough to notify friends and relatives who may wish to attend the visitation or service. Secondly, if there is to be a viewing, embalming and the modern science of cosmetology and restorative art make possible a comforting final appearance.

Requirements for embalming vary, depending on selection of services by the family and state/local or provincial law. If the family chooses to view the body, embalming is generally necessary according to funeral home policy. In the case of immediate cremation, embalming is not normally required. Be sure you understand the regulations in your area, and consult with your Golden Rule Funeral Home, as regulations may vary within your state or province.

Caskets
Caskets are made by different manufacturers from different materials, and are available in different styles and colors. The choice of a casket can depend on any number of factors, ranging from personal taste to financial considerations. Although funeral home personnel are available to discuss the qualities of the various caskets, funeral directors should not attempt to influence your decision.

If remains are to be transported across some distance, the law requires that a container of some type be used as a practical necessity for final disposition. An actual casket is not a legal requirement. Even so, most people prefer that a casket be used because it offers greater protection and is more attractive during visitations and services.

We believe that only those planning the funeral can properly decide whether a casket should be used and, if so, what type is preferable.

Burial Vaults
Some cemeteries require that a concrete box or some type of outside receptacle be used to ensure that the grave will not sink over time. Not all cemeteries have this requirement, however, and an outside receptacle is never required by law.

As with caskets, choosing an outside receptacle or vault is your decision. After selecting an attractive casket, most prefer a vault to protect it and the remains.

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Cremation is a process used to prepare the body for final disposition. Through the use of intense heat and direct flames, the body is reduced to bone fragments. Cremation is not intended to replace the elements of the traditional funeral. It is simply an alternative to earth burial or entombment.

Whether you choose earth burial, entombment or cremation, the expense can vary greatly, depending on your choice of services, final disposition, burial container or urn selection.

Your local Golden Rule funeral home can provide the information and cost breakdown to help you make the choices that best fit your needs, no matter what type of services you choose. If a burial site has yet to be selected, the funeral director can also provide information on cemeteries. Some cemeteries require that authorization forms be signed and financial arrangements made on property, while others require payment through the funeral home.

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• Cremation with public or private viewing only
• Cremation with viewing and/or ceremonies
• Cremation with memorial service and no viewing
• Cremation with full ceremonies
• Cremation with no ceremonies

These are the most common choices, but you can personalize services to suit your traditions or customs. When people realize these choices are available, the majority select some type of ceremony, viewing, etc. Ceremonies and viewings are intended to help survivors by providing an opportunity to acknowledge the loss and celebrate the life of the deceased. They provide a time for loved ones to release their feelings and share their grief, so the healing process can begin.

The following information on memorial services, cremation with no ceremony, embalming and final disposition may be helpful.

Memorial services
The only difference between a funeral service and a memorial service is that the body is not always present at a memorial service. During a memorial service, however, cremated remains may be present in an urn. Often, the family will choose to view the body before the cremation and memorial service.

Cremation with no ceremony
A funeral director should be contacted for removal of the deceased when the choice is cremation with no ceremony or immediate cremation. Immediate cremation, however, should be given serious thought. When immediate cremation is desired, it generally takes place without embalming, viewing, ceremony, gathering or other elements of a funeral service. Survivors often regret not having some form of service, ceremony or viewing to provide the opportunity to say goodbye. It has been proven that taking part in the processes of arranging and attending funeral ceremonies can be therapeutic in the healing process. So be sure to consider all of your options before making this important decision.

Final disposition
What to do with the cremated remains? This is another important decision when choosing cremation. Again, you have several options.

Some prefer to keep the cremated remains in their possession. Others feel it is more appropriate to put the cremated remains in a formal or permanent location.

It is common to bury the urn as you would bury a casket. This allows families to remain together in a burial plot regardless of each family member’s choice of preparation for final disposition. The burial site offers a permanent place for loved ones to visit and reflect on the life of the deceased. Burial also can be in an urn garden or private crypt.

A columbarium also provides a permanent place for the family to visit. The columbarium niche is marked with a nameplate listing dates of birth and death. This choice is ideal for those who prefer above-ground entombment.

Scattering is also an option for final disposition of cremated remains. Cremated remains are often spread over a lake, river, ocean, mountain, field or scattering garden. If you are interested in scattering, your funeral director can provide details about the regulations in your area and can make the arrangements for you. Consider future generations before you make your decision to scatter, as it is irreversible.

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What is a Golden Rule Funeral Home?

Golden Rule funeral homes span the globe but adhere to one basic set of principles that guide their practices and conduct, a commitment to: “Service measured not by gold, but by the Golden Rule.”

Not just any funeral home can be a Golden Rule funeral home. Only family owned, privately owned funeral homes that demonstrate their commitment to funeral service through dedication to their community’s needs are accepted as Golden Rule funeral homes.

First, the funeral home owner must show that his or her business practices and professional ethics are sound. The firm must offer fair and reasonable prices for dignified, caring service.

Facilities, equipment and business operations must undergo a peer review inspection and review by authorized Golden Rule firms. In addition, families who have been served by the funeral home are asked to provide their opinions about the firm and its service.

Finally, to help ensure that every Golden Rule firm provides the highest Standards of Ethical Conduct to which it subscribes, the firm must receive favorable recommendations from other area Golden Rule funeral homes. Each Golden Rule firm must be worthy of your trust.

The process is lengthy, but it assures OGR and the public that our members are professionals with the highest standards of professional conduct. Once a funeral home is accepted as a Golden Rule funeral home, it must continue to provide quality service to retain its membership.

Golden Rule funeral homes are there at your time of need. Families often find that a Golden Rule funeral home does more than they had expected.

Click here to find a Golden Rule funeral home in your area.

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