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Funeral Information Bereavement > Introduction If you are newly bereaved, you may be feeling a deep sense of anguish. Although it may seem impossible, like any other emotion, this terrible feeling does not last forever. You've experienced a shock to your physical and emotional systems, and it takes time to recover from that shock. It is important to understand the effects of grief while you are in this state. Understanding leads to acceptance, and acceptance leads to healing. Grieving does not make you weak; it makes you strong. It is also important to be able to admit to yourself that you are hurting, even if you can't quite admit it to others. Once you've acknowledged its presence, you can begin getting through it. Some newly bereaved, particularly widows and widowers, find they are neglecting themselves during this vulnerable time. We hope the following information on Nutrition; Housing & Transportation; Careers, Volunteerism & Continuing Education; and Leisure & Recreation will prove helpful. You may say that you don't feel hungry or that it is too much bother to cook for yourself, but good nutrition and regular meals are important to your overall health. There are many cookbooks that feature appealing single-portion meals. Or you can make large batches of casseroles, spaghetti sauce or other foods that can be frozen in individual portions. If you live alone, you may want to shop daily for perishables so that food doesn't go to waste. Shopping is also a good way to get out of the house, especially on those days when even getting out of bed seems too much effort. Keep a stock of meal-for-one stews and soups on hand. Have someone over for dinner on occasion—perhaps someone who also lives alone—or make plans to go out for dinner. Eat in front of the television or read while eating; but eat balanced meals. If you are on a restrictive diet, make sure you are aware of what you can have and what you should avoid. If you have trouble finishing large meals, eat smaller meals more frequently or eat smaller portions on a smaller plate. This may make food look more appealing to you. Establish a routine by eating at regular intervals. This does not mean skipping meals during the day and then eating a single meal late at night. Eating right before sleeping taxes your digestive system and may interfere with your rest. It might seem like a good idea right now to give up the house you lived in with the deceased simply to avoid painful memories. But making such a major decision at this uncertain time may not be wise. Experts advise not moving during the first year of bereavement. The memories may be painful right now, but moving and giving up all those memories at once can be equally as painful. After a while, if you feel your present residence requires too much upkeep or contains too much space, consider your choices carefully. Contact a real estate broker and have your home appraised to determine its present value. Look at the pros and cons of apartment or condominium living, if you don't want the upkeep of a single-family dwelling. Keep in mind that by renting, you may be giving up some of your privacy and quiet, as well as a yard and the opportunity to build further equity in your home. If you decide to rent, consider the neighborhood and accessibility carefully, and read all contracts or leases thoroughly so there are no unpleasant surprises later. As for household maintenance, the responsibility is yours as long as you own the property. Learn to do small maintenance chores yourself, or pay someone to do repairs for you. You should not expect friends or relatives to do them for you for free. You also may find satisfaction in handling maintenance on your own. You may be faced with the responsibility of owning, operating and maintaining a car for the first time. If you have a mechanic who has worked on your car in the past with no negative incidents, continue using that person, as that mechanic will know your car and its history. Keep a record of all repairs, oil changes and maintenance. You may want to buy another new or used car. If so, shop carefully. If necessary, take along a friend or family member who knows what to look for, and take a used car to a mechanic you trust before purchasing it. Always take into account mileage, repair records and the resale value of any car you are consider purchasing. There are transportation alternatives for non-drivers. Most middle-to-large-sized cities have public transportation systems that vary in efficiency and cost. There also are volunteer groups that sometimes provide transportation to non-driving seniors, with priority given for medical care recipients. If you have a friend or neighbor who shops at the same shopping center or grocery store you do, offer to share the cost of gas and go together. This will also assure that you shop on a regular basis and keep well-stocked on food. Careers, Volunteerism & Continuing Education Once your affairs are in order, you may find that you have more time on your hands than you've had in the past. Starting a new career, volunteering in your community or continuing your education are some of the options that might interest you. Your finances may make it necessary for you to work, or it may just seem like a good idea. If you were employed before your loss, it is probably best to keep your current job for a while. The necessity of going to work every morning, even on bad days, can help put your life back into perspective. Changing jobs immediately is another potential situation for stress and adjustment. Chances are, you have enough stress and adjustment for the time being. Starting a new job can be a frustrating time. If you are entering the job market for the first time or re-entering it after a lengthy absence, realize that, mixed with plenty of good days, there also will be some bad ones. But don't get discouraged; you'll soon get the hang of it. Even if you are already earning Social Security benefits, you can still work and earn a limited sum without forfeiting your benefits. One of your concerns about returning to work may be the limitations on employment based on your age. There are laws to help you in this area. The Age Discrimination in Employment Act, passed in 1976, prohibits employers of 25 or more from refusing to hire, discharging or in any way discriminating against persons based solely on age. If you are not sure how to start looking for a job, contact your state's local employment service or, if you are over 65, a senior citizens' service in your community. Ask friends or a former employer for suggestions, or advertise your skills in a local newspaper. If you try to find employment through private employment agencies, you may be required to pay a fee if they locate a job for you, although oftentimes the employer will pay the fee. Perhaps you are living comfortably on your income, but would like to be more active. Volunteering is an excellent and meaningful way to get into a social situation, while helping your community at the same time. Talk to leaders of religious or civic organizations, local hospitals or schools, or children's homes. They can tell you who needs help and where you can best put your interests and skills to work. If traditional volunteer work doesn't appeal to you, check with your local theatre group, garden club or senior citizen center. Many communities have organizations that match volunteers with specific community needs. Consult your Yellow Pages under “Volunteer.” It's never too late to go back to school and further your education. Perhaps there is a course of study you always wanted to pursue or one you didn't complete. There also may be areas you want to brush up on for career purposes. Vocational and for-credit classes on both high school and college levels are available in most communities. Many times, grants are available for those age 65 and older, people with limited incomes or raising dependent children, and those with special interests and skills. Your best starting point is a community college, where you can pick up a list of available courses and information on financial assistance. You need to give yourself time for recreation as well as work. You may find that friendships you shared before your loss are no longer satisfying or comfortable, or that you need to develop some new relationships and interests. Don't be afraid to take the initiative by inviting acquaintances to your home, to a movie or to join you at a community function. Seek out clubs that sponsor the kinds of recreation you enjoy or in which you would like to participate. Learn to entertain yourself. While the amount of enjoyment from pursuing independent interests varies from person to person, many find a certain satisfaction from doing things by themselves. Alone and lonely are not the same, and you may find you can entertain yourself as well as others can. A problem you may encounter is friends and even family members pressuring you to develop romantic relationships before you are ready. These people may seem overbearing, but they have your best interests at heart. Don't be afraid to give them a firm “No” when they attempt to introduce you or pair you up with other singles. It's best not to date until you are comfortable. Some never are. If/when you do start dating again, you may find your grown children expressing disapproval, or they may try to pressure you into dating. Even young children can play matchmaker. It is easy to be influenced by family regarding what you want, especially during a time of confusion. Keep the lines of communication open, and make sure your family understands your wishes. Eventually you may consider remarriage, but be sure to take your time. Don't let the loneliness felt in the first few months push you into a relationship you'll regret later. Recovering from a loss is a slow process. Give yourself enough time to resolve your grief or you may find yourself comparing your late spouse to your present spouse, which can undermine the relationship. Once you give single-living a chance, you might decide remarriage isn't for you. Many widows and widowers find that, after a period of adjustment, they enjoy their freedom and new sense of independence. Above all, don't let your friends and family run your life for you. It is, after all, your life, and it's up to you to make it the best life possible.
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