Funeral Information

Bereavement > Holidays

Holidays can be the most joyous or the most painful days of the year, depending on how and if you're prepared for them. Holidays are especially difficult if you've recently experienced the loss of a loved one. By planning ahead and dealing realistically with your holiday expectations, however, you can help ensure your days are filled with peaceful satisfaction, rather than painful sadness. Holidays aren't just “something to be gotten through”; they should be a time for rejuvenation and reflection.

The first years after the death are the most difficult. Whether this holiday season is the first or the 40th you've faced since losing a loved one, there are some special considerations you can make that can make the holiday a less painful experience. Keep in mind that the amount of entertaining you do will likely be altered and your celebrations may be somewhat tempered. The following is offered to help in the transition.

Anticipation
Initially, the most difficult part about facing a holiday, or an entire holiday season, is the fear about how awful the day is going to be. Often, the anticipation prior to the event is worse than the day itself, due to the worry about surviving the occasion. Looking ahead and imagining what the day will be like tend to intensify any feelings of grief because we're reminded of the lost in our lives. Holidays also are a means of marking the passage of time; and that, too, can be a painful reminder.

Writing down you fears in advance of a holiday will help you express your feelings. When writing, be entirely honest with yourself; it will help you gain control over your feelings. Clarifying your thoughts will help you feel less overwhelmed, especially when you begin to view the holiday as being made up of many small events, rather than endless commitments and demands.

Participation
Actively participating in holiday activities, instead of thinking about what used to be, is a good way to begin your “holiday healing.” By planning ahead, you'll have a grasp of what you do — and do not — want to do. This will prevent you from having to make decisions under pressure and will give you the strength to say no if necessary. Also, by being well-organized, you'll be able to limit the amount of activity you plan while using your time most efficiently. This will allow you to build “quiet time” into your schedule without resenting having too much to do in a short period of time.

Holidays are naturally demanding — whether you've lost a loved one or not. They usually require entertaining or being entertained, shopping, commitments to spending time with family and friends, extra housework, cooking, etc.

If you're invited to do something you'd rather not do, be tentative in giving your answer. An honest but brief explanation of how you've been feeling lately will be understood and will allow you needed flexibility. Simply tell your host or hostess that some days are better than others since your loss, and if you're feeling up to it, you'd love to attend. This way, no firm commitment has been made, yet you have the opportunity to enjoy the company of friends if you so desire. This also allows you to observe realistic limits in your routine.

Preparation
You may find that getting into the “holiday spirit” is difficult this year. That's okay. If you're not ready to celebrate this year, don't. If you have small children, however, you will need to discuss any holiday changes with them so that they don't feel punished or confused. If they are also suffering from the loss, a traditional family celebration might be nourishment for them. Chances are, even if you don't feel up to it, you'll be able to count on family members to help make the holiday as “normal” as possible for your children. If you need help, discuss it in advance with members of your family so that the day will run smoothly.

Although it may seem like more work than it is worth, decorating for the holidays will bring warmth into your home and should not be avoided. If purchasing and decorating a tree seems overwhelming to you, let your children, other family members, neighbors or friends help you. They'll provide valuable companionship and help make the project a special event, rather than a chore. Once the decorating is done, you'll be happy to have the seasonal reminder that life goes on and so must you.

If you find yourself alone for the holidays, take advantage of the time and pamper yourself. Get a book you've wanted to read, write letters that are overdue, treat yourself to a special meal or call a friend who may also be alone. Being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely; and you may find you enjoy the time to think and reflect. If you know in advance that you don't want to be by yourself, plan not to be . It may mean calling family or friends and suggesting a special holiday activity, but it's a way for you to let them know you'd like to spend time with them. Fellowship with others often is the best medicine for a grieving heart.

Continuation
Regardless of how many commitments you have over the holidays, the most important thing to remember is to keep plans simple. Say no to invitations you'd rather not accept; and don't be afraid to express your feelings. If you want to cry, cry. If you need to talk about how you are feeling, do. If you want to be alone, it's okay as long as you continue to reach out to others on occasion.

Above all, take the time to be in touch with your feelings and expectations and react accordingly. If you do, you'll find you're actually enjoying the holidays, rather than just coping with them.

Ways to Enjoy the Holidays:

•  Make or bake all your holiday gifts.

•  Shop by catalog or online in order to avoid crowded stores.

•  Contact a local college or foreign-student center, and invite a few students over.

•  Call the Salvation Army, a local church or a foster care agency, and ask for the name of a needy family. Put together a holiday gift package or food basket and deliver it personally.

•  Baby-sit for neighborhood children on New Year's Eve, or offer to baby-sit while the parents shop.

•  Start a new tradition in memory of a loved one.

•  Let someone do you a favor.

•  Read about holiday traditions in other countries.

•  Organize a caroling group to go door-to-door, or sing at a nursing home.

•  Check with your church or local schools for special concerts, events or presentations.

•  Renew an old friendship.

•  Smile.